letter from Brandon to his family this week. I've been visiting Brandon every other week in prison for the last two months. His dad asked me, and it was one of those Jesus moments, where I realized this would be as much a gift to me as to Brandon. I always come away with my faith encouraged. I tell Brandon, who is in for strangling his step child, that on the outside of the Prison it says "Lehigh Country Prison" but the sign really says, "Brandon Bishop School of Advanced Discipleship"!
So anyway; I think that I’m trying too hard to believe and have faith; that it makes me worry more. Does that make sense? Like every day I wake up and I’m already thinking and telling myself ‘Have faith and trust in the Lord. How can He make it any more clear to you that He’s here with you guys and He’ll work it all out. He’s answered a couple prayers that you prayed in a matter of minutes.’ I guess in a way the devil is putting thoughts in my head, pushing me to break, curse and be angry at God. But how can I? I honestly think the devil is just jealous and getting angrier cause I’m not giving in to him anymore. Like I keep saying, I truly feel in my heart that this is all God’s doing for us, the more I think about the past and how we ended up here; it’s the work of God.
Ha-Ha, you wanna know something funny? I feel like when I start to “try” to do things on my own and be in control; I feel in my heart that God is telling us, especially me ‘STOP! I am in control. Trust Me, believe Me in what I am doing, you have nothing to worry about, I’m here‘. Last night I started to ball my eyes out asking God, ‘Why, why does this have to be so painful, when is this pain going to leave both of us?’ So I was reading Paul Miller’s book A Praying Life (Paul is Brandon’s spiritual advisor and spends time with him) and he said “so when it starts getting uncomfortable, don’t pull back from God. He is just starting to work. Be patient“. Once again there is that magic word - patient - the hardest problem I have. God is truly among us, there is no doubt. That’s what I’m talking about when it seems like I’m trying to do things or be in control; our Heavenly Father takes hold of us and tells us to stop that; He is in control and we need to trust - and, oh, be patient. It just so happens that when Paul was here, he said that God put me here to teach me patience, to trust Him. Weird? I don’t think so - it’s God speaking through Paul. Same thing goes for you, mom - last night (Friday) when I called upset. I really feel the Holy Spirit was speaking through you. That was really encouraging what you told me (even though you probably don’t remember what you said; it was encouraging). (He’s right; I don’t).
Once again, this is from Paul’s book but it’s from John of Landsburg, a 16th century Catholic monk. It’s from a letter he wrote called, A Letter From Jesus Christ. He imagined Jesus speaking personally to us, “I know those moods when you sit there utterly alone, pining, eaten up with unhappiness, in a pure state of grief. You don’t move towards me but desperately imagine that everything you have ever done has been utterly lost and forgotten. This near-despair and self-pity are actually a form of pride. What you think was a state of absolute security from which you have fallen was really trusting too much in your own strength and ability…what really ails you is that things simply haven’t happened as you expected and wanted. In fact, I don’t want you to rely on your own strength and abilities and plans, but to distrust them and to distrust yourself, and to trust me and no one and nothing else. As long as you rely entirely on yourself, you are bound to come to grief. You still have a most important lesson to learn; your own strength will no more help you to stand upright than propping yourself on a broken reed. You must not despair of me. You may hope and trust in me absolutely. My mercy is infinite“. Well, I’d say that pretty much sums it up. Here’s something else Paul said, “suffering is so important to the process of learning how to pray. It’s God’s gift to us to show us what life is really like“. So why is it so hard for me to just drop myself. I know He’s here. He’s planned this out, He’s working in this. But yet why do I still try to be in control? Does He know I don’t mean to? That I don’t try to. I sometimes think God already knows I don’t try to and we’re just human and crazy thinking human minds.
This is what James McDonald said in his book that I’ve been meaning to tell you. “Sometimes the pressure of life - stress at work, pressure at home, a health problem, a financial crisis - sometimes in all of our lives, we stumble. Sometimes things weigh so heavy upon us, we can’t help but stumble. Contrary to popular opinion, these difficult times are not chance happenings. They are allowed by the loving hand of God to draw us to Himself and to conform our characters to the life of Jesus Christ” After I read that, I felt that that’s now another reason why we are here. That just goes to show things don’t “just happen” or “oh, that was going to happen anyway”. I’ve come to realize that the desert that Paul is talking about that we’re in is actually the valley of the shadow of death. He says in his book, “At some point, each of us comes face-to-face with the valley of the shadow of death. We can’t ignore it. We can’t remain neutral with evil. We either give up and distance ourselves, or we learn to walk with the Shepherd. There is no middle ground. Without the Good Shepherd, we are alone in a meaningless story“. So I feel we are also here to learn to walk with our Good Shepherd, through this whole process. If we do things on our own, we are alone in a meaningless story. The story He is making for us is to learn to fully trust Him. If we can trust Him in this process; and He can get us out of this, then we can trust Him and believe that He will provide for us when we are out. We cannot do things on our own; we tried that and look where it got us. I hate being here and I hate the pain God is putting us through while we’re here. But I love that I’m learning to see God in ways I never thought I would ever see.
Well, I hope everything I said makes sense and it’s not just me and my stupid crazy thinking or my mind making me think that. But spiritually, that’s what I see God doing right now. He didn’t want us just to come here to change us and have us be more like Christ. But to learn about Him. To see His work. For us to trust Him. It’s not so much me and my lovely wife - but for everyone that is praying for us, supporting us, and wishing we were out. He wants everyone to believe; to trust Him. He’s showing Himself to everyone. We just need to keep an eye out and ear to hear. We may not see it or hear it, but He’s talking to everyone day by day, telling us to trust Him. It’s funny. I got all this from what you told me on Friday and after I balled my eyes out. I asked God, why do we have to keep going through this pain? How much longer is it going to last? And then I stopped crying. Just thinking and reflecting on everything. Boy! Did God open my eyes that night - once again not sure if it’s my stupid mind playing games or God really talked to me. Wish He could tell me or give me a sign that it’s not my mind playing games, ha-ha. But seriously, this whole process, this whole experience is truly God at work. He’s been slowly talking to us and now He’s getting louder and more well known. Is it just me?
Brandon
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